No, I didn’t go anywhere. I’ve just been over-committed everywhere, mostly not of my own doing. (Out-of-town guests stuff, PTA stuff, household emergency stuff, and zoning battle stuff.) 2013 is looking like it’s going to be a race to the finish.
Herewith are, with just two weeks left, some of the funnier things Simon has said this year, presented mostly without context because these gems stand alone:
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On eating and weight: “Simon, you eat more than I do some days!”
“I know. That’s why I’m growing east-west instead of north-south now.”
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On genteel habits: “Simon, did you remember to go to the bathroom before bed last night?”
“No, I think I forgot. I was holding my junk all night.”
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On life goals: “Do you think it would be exciting to score a goal with a bicycle kick?”
“Oh, Mommy, that’s my life’s dream.”
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On the danger of caloric excess: “Simon, why didn’t you eat your extra snack today?”
“Because I had enough energy from lunch. And I thought if I ate my snack and got even more energy, I might go crazy.”
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From kindergarten writing journal; on modesty and soccer: “I am rilly good at soccer because i have rilly good control and also i can take shots from very far away and score and i pass rilly well and i am rilly fast and I am rilly good at golly.”
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On bad parenting [Matt’s, not mine]: “Guess what mom? Today at sharing time, I shared about that day last week when you and Daddy were both out of the house and I was alone for 10 minutes. I bet I’m the only 6-year-old in the universe that’s been alone in their house! Mr. Sowder was kind of freaked out.” [So was mama; it won’t happen again.]
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“Do we know anyone from Greece?”
“My grad-school friend, Despina!”
“And Prometheus!”
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“Oh boy, there’s Jayla the love monster!” [I’d offer context, but does it really need any?]
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On Louisville’s unequal housing: “Man, a lot of houses in West Ham are messed up.” [This was said about some houses near Simon’s school, which is located in a poor part of Louisville’s West End. West Ham, on the other hand, is a London-based English soccer team. Given how much English soccer he watches, the confusion makes sense.]
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On patience: “But it’s already been, like, two milliseconds!”
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On being very tired: “Just so you know, Mommy, I’m already asleep.”
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On why boys are more fun than girls: [at Grandparents’ house, spoken to me and Evie] Simon: “Why won’t the boys come out?”
Evie: “Because they are silly and don’t want to get wet.”
Simon: “I wish they would. When it’s girls, it turns into talking ball.”
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On gender equity and work-life balance: “Yeah, Caroline will drive and change the baby’s diaper. We talked about it and decided she would do it. I might be a computer programmer and work from home. But I don’t want to. I’d rather be a professional soccer player. Then I’ll have to live in New York. But whatever.”
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From 1st grade journal, an essay on the invigorating experience of reading: “Reading makes me feel better because it is qwyit (quiet). Reading makes me feel better because I can fall asleep after it. Reading makes me feel better because I can lay doun (down) doing it. Reading makes me feel better because it is relacksing (relaxing).” (August or September 2013)
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On neologisms: “Oooo, that tastes like the future. That means it tastes good. I made it up.” (September 2013)
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Relating to our car accident, on the nature of aging and friendship: “Menelik said the same thing happened to his dad. They were in their car when a white car driven by some old person–you know, he was like 50 or something, but whatever–some old person hit them and they had to buy a new car. So he understands how we’re feeling. He empathizes with us.” (October 2013)
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On Asian geography: Simon: “What are some countries in Asia that don’t crack a million? There’s Cyprus and Bhutan, but what else?”
Me: “Maybe East Timor?”
Simon: “No, no. East Timor has like 1 or 2 million I think.” (it’s 1.5 million when I looked it up. Mama is so outclassed. October 2013.)
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Upon receiving a sports stats book for his birthday: “If you add sports and numbers together, you get double awesome.” (October)
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Upon requesting more time with a computer reading program: “Please, please, can I have some stoppage time?” (November)
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On a new friend from school: “Katie likes dolls and stuff like Caroline. Yeah, she’s like a version of Caroline except she chases me.” (November)
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On combining twin loves of math and geography: “The difference between Vietnam and Germany is Lebanon.” [Population of Vietnam is 86 m. Population of Germany is 82 m. Population of Lebanon is 4 m. 86-82=4.]
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An illustration of how out-classed I am math-wise: “Okay, Mommy. This will be my masterpiece. What is the US + Turkey?”
Me: “Okay. The US is about 350 million, and Turkey is around 78 mill—“
Simon: “No, Mommy. Turkey is 76 million. Wait. I got this one. The answer is . . . thinking . . . thinking . . . thinking . . . 426 million!”
Can’t wait to see what he comes up with next. Now I’m off to memorize my world populations so I don’t embarrass him!
Should never have read this right after dinner. I almost made myself sick laughing.
Simon is amazing.
How old does Simon have to be before he can read this blog?