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Baby Talk

Simon’s vocabulary is still limited to things like “brrrrrr” and “uguh” and now “ooh”, but Matt and I have developed a few new words and phrases since he arrived. Some were common during the early months; some have cropped up more recently, but all of these coinages have characterized our baby-related vocabulary.

baby pattern baldness, n.: a hair pattern in which babies lose a patch of hair just below their crown due to constant friction from sleeping on their backs.

Wyatt Urp, n. pr.: Grandpa Whitworth’s nickname for Simon. If you’ve read the blog at all, there’s no need for me to explain.

der Autoswaddler, n.: Swaddle wraps with velcro to hold babies in tight. Formerly thought by me to be for amateurs. Now considered the only effective means of Simon restraint. We stopped using these about two weeks ago when the temperature rose to 80 degrees.

barf, v. tr.: You are no doubt familiar with “barf” as a noun or instransitive verb. We now use it as a transitive verb, as in, “It’s time to barf the baby.” Trust us, he barfs much more than he burps.

sound and fury signifying nothing, n.: With apologies to Shakespeare, what we term a relatively clean diaper after sounds that would suggest the worst.

thunderdome, n.: any playmat that features overhanging toys. Common ones are made by Boppy and Baby Einstein.

Cryin’ Charlie, n:. soundless cry. Mouth opens, face turns red, fists ball up, yet nothing is heard. The Cryin’ Charlie immediately precedes a piercing wail. Stolen from an old Bill Cosby routine.

milk coma, n.: happy, sleepy state Simon falls into immediately after nursing.

minty, n: Mylanta. Simon seemed to enjoy the minty taste of Mylanta from the very first dose. We would say, “Hey Simon, do you need some minty?” It’s now been two months at least since he got any. His minty days are over.

Simon’s Third Law, n: “For every poop action, there is an equal and opposite barf reaction.”  If you go to change Simon’s diaper, odds are he will throw up on you while you are attending to him. Similarly, if you are barfing Simon, odds are he will at some point buck and poop during the activities.

nursing burkha, n: nursing cover-up made by Bebe au Lait.

co-napping, n: tucking your infant into bed with with you in the early morning with the fervent hope that he will doze off and allow you to get another hour of sleep. Quite effective!

frantic ineffective, adj.: One of several nursing styles, the frantic ineffective nurser gets so worked up and excited when he’s hungry that he smiles, looks around, wiggles, squirms, and pretty much does everything at the breast except actually nurse. If I let Simon sleep too long, he’s likely to be a frantic ineffective once I wake him up.

Book of Armaments, n.: What to Expect: The First Year. Nowadays we consult this excellent book every month to see what we should expect in the coming weeks. At the beginning, however, we consulted it multiple times every day, for everything about nursing and bathing to shushing and swaddling. Whatever question we had, the Book of Armaments had the answer for.  (Ripped off from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.  The Book of Armaments has yet to recommend the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch as any part of our childrearing routine.)

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