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Soccer Overload

Here are the top two… no three… no four… no five signs that your child has watched too much English Premier League football (soccer) of late:

Sign 1: Not-So Casual Observation

Side A [“side” = team in the lingo] makes what looks like a great goal to me. Simon chimes in:

“Why didn’t they say he was offsides?” [“offsides” = rule violation relating to position of players on the pitch]

You know what? It just might have been. I still can’t always tell.

[After Simon asked, I rewatched that play and it did look like Thierry Henry was offside.  Later I found considerable Internet discussion as to whether or not he actually was.  Turns out he had just emerged from an “offside trap”. -mgw.]

Sign 2: Mixed Metaphors

Simon is pretending to be Baby Kitten in the car, then lets a huge belch rip.

“Uh Oh!” he says, sounding more proud than contrite, “‘That’s a yellow card for Baby Kitten!” [yellow card = caution or disciplinary measure; two and you are out of a game]

Sign 3: Rogue’s Gallery

Simon walks in while Matt is watching Manchester City v. Liverpool.  “Where’s Balotelli?” [Mario Balotelli = star striker for Manchester City, Matt’s favorite team]

Matt sighs.  “He’s out on a four-game suspension.” [Balotelli can be an idiot.]

Simon looks confused.  “I thought that was Kompany?”  [Vincent Kompany = Man City’s skipper {“skipper” = “captain”}, who is also serving a four-game suspension. Kompany is not an idiot, but he made a stupid move the other day.  City is having a rough January.]

Sign 4: A Bedtime Chat

I’m in Simon’s bed giving him his night-time back-rub. Matt is in the room with us, and we all hear the sounds of heavy rain on our tin roof.

“Wow,” says Matt, “it’s really coming down out there.”

To which Simon replies, “You know where else I bet it’s raining? In Manchester.”

True that. Just about every game he’s watched, and there have clearly been many, has played out amid cold, gusty rain. It looks frankly miserable.

Sign 5: Goals

And the final sign your child has been watching too much English Premier League? When he states his life goals thusly:

“I think I’m going to be a professional [soccer player]…soon, I hope!”

Soon, I Hope!

I think we need to watch more NOVA from here on out.




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